this page is very inconsistently updated (duh) bc i don't really remember to write, but do feel free to enjoy the occasional waffle on here. [disclaimer that i usually remember to journal when i feel Horrendous - im not going to kms or anything... in fact I'm generally doing pretty good LMFAO ]
sidenote: from 1.7.2022 onward are ones from my journal that i felt comfortable posting, which is why some parts are redacted. Some are also much more insane than my usual brainstate, as I usually upload these whenever I have nice writing and not just "oh i ate a cookie today and went to class :D"
mood: cold but otherwise vibing
i've been doing good these days aside from the stress/exhaustion that comes with work at 8am and also being in senior level CS classes (which has been an absolute distraction from this site). but considering I haven't been here in a while (and my last post is my usual morbid writing about rot and exhaustion that I do when I'm stressed), thought I'd provide some level of update xP
I did end up passing my classes with all A's and only one B which was quite epic. I also finally sound like a fucking man now - I haven't gotten misgendered on the phone in a couple months. It also makes me pass in real life now, which is weird. I know it's based on my voice because with my hair as long as it is at the moment I look a bit girlcoded. The face also probably helps since I have a fairly androgynous one, but I know it's my voice because in real life, I only pass if I talk. Kinda insane. I think the T is helping a lot with my mood - I no longer have the experience of - as my 15 year old self once put it - "having someone else answer the phone of my voicebox", in additon to all the other fun changes like body hair. This also does lead me to worrying about the future at the moment - my state has already introduced a bill to straight up remove the ability to access hormones. (in addition to the other fucked things going on here like banning abortion... it doesn't matter how blue our cities are since there's so much red rural areas). Hopefully nothing passses, but it still concerns me greatly. Not only because I enjoy being on hormones, but because I already feel like shit if I wait too long in the day to take my shot. Those hormone changes are going to fucking kill me if I get off of it.
On lighter topics though... I'm supposed to be seeing Skinny Puppy's final tour soon, which I'm absolutely excited for :3 They're my favorite band of all time, and although I'm sad this is their final one, it'll be a good show. Also, I'm fairly sure the members are in their 50s, so it's understandable they don't want to do more at this point.
Finally... I also got a dreamwidth, though I'm holding off on linking it for now. It's fairly easy to find though if you're absolutely curious, since I reuse my usernames (including the one for this site) fairly often. xP
mood: pure, utter exhaustion, the kind that only comes when you have exams and far too little sleep.
utter rot upon flesch.
some days i wish drugs were legal. that the worst thing i could be to the healthcare industry wasn't a drug seeker - stimulants. even if it didn't fix this brain it would be something, something to shove it right and fix its hollow neurotransmitters - the way dopamine doesn't work for it. i know i could be smart, it is this body that doesn't work with it. (as if my conciousness is separate from the rest.) i want to do so many things but there is a brick wall that sits inside my skull. the rot has stained my flesh. i only speak in metaphor - i always have. it is the only way to get past the uncomfortabilty of it all. i wish i could just do my work. i wish i had stimulants. and heroin (and methadone) for the overstimulation. a script of vyvanase, wellburtin, adderall XR. slow release. just enough to perk the brain. even if i got my hands on them illegally, the ritual would make me test every pill. careful, methodical. i don't want to get high, i want to fix the brain. i cannot fix this hardware. i cannot fix this hardware. hacks on a software level to get around the laptop you cannot open up. the enclosure is rigid, it breaks so, so easily and it is harder when you are an expression of the software. you are the motherboard, the cpu, you run the operating system. you are the computer and fixing the hardware is best done with you shut down. so software is the hacks you must personally apply - the substances the cds, the usbs, scripts running and firing and program installation and viruses. i need the hardware fixed. i need the right to repair for carbon-based flesh.
fuck, i wish drugs were legal. i support bodily autonomy in every sense of the word. i want to open my body up and stare longingly at the veins. i want morbid rituals of the flesh. sometimes i want drugs recreationally, or for experience (acid, shrooms, weed, ketamine) and yet i can get to none of them. i do not think i have the brain of a substance abuser - the physical is always an issue, withdrawal on the flesh level, but my use is methodical. logical. i do crave weed at the moment - i tried it and i liked it and i liked feeling at peace - but i know why. i am exhausted and my brain is broken. completely and utterly. i just want to feel less like misery.
the hands are cold, so cold. everyday my fingers are so cold that i have to put them in my mouth to type. i wish for that feeling and delusion of premature death. maybe my fingers are in fact rotting off with lack of blood flow.
i am tired. it is exhausted. sometimes i wish for that comfort of my dead delusion, thinking i was rotting. rotting. i would rather be rotting than so uncomfortably alive. i wish for that stress state, the dissociation. my beloved fog is leaving me and i don't know why. i get panicky now. i have to cross myself so many times ("please let me be okay") in order to be alive. i speak in riddles to avoid the wrath of god. god will (crossed myself again and again) smite me down if i act wrong, if i speak wrong. i wonder if me speaking so deterministically about [friend] coming over fucked up our weekend. i wonder if i will make the same mistake again. (i should call my mother). i feel worse and i don't know why. i don't know why i am no longer living in fog. i feel more like a human these days and i cannot stand it. i never learned to deal with it. these days i cover my ears when i cannot reach the sink in time. i turn on the running water. it is almost a comfort how long the belief has lasted.
offically a week and a few days on testosterone. honestly insane to think about. its early yet so not much change has actually happened, but there are some. namely → bottom growth. [syxri rambles about this for like 2 paragraphs LOL]
in other changes, i noticed hot flashes? i only got them bad the first couple days though thankfully. no increased hunger that i can’t attribute to like. diet changes (i started eating oatmeal for lunch which is not particularly filling lol) [redacted]
tangent: i had a dream about a new guy at school (which in of itself is kinda funny considering i am. in college) who was like. the devil’s kid or just the devil himself. dunno. anyway his dad was a rocker which was fucking based. he (the dude) had white hair and was also into me. anyway he was fairly cool but i woke up before anything cool happened which kinda blew. plus the light into my bedroom makes it hard to go back 2 sleep.
okay tangent over → i don’t have real voice changes yet but i do feel like my resonance has changed? like there is a deeper quality to my voice. idk, its a little weird in a cool way. that’s all the changes though so far.
OH and i got a stomach bruise because i was dumb and moved around the needle while i was holding it (since you should hold ur needle in ur skin - at least for subq - for 5-10 secs). its pretty minor but it does suck. i also have a MAJOR mystery bruise on my arm. they did bloodwork on that arm for T recently (last week) but its mysteriously on the side of my elbow ????? so confused. its been about a week and its still there. not sure why.
in terms of school → i got into research and got the FWS job i applied to, so thats swag. don’t ask me how i will manage that w/ school and my existing job, but im gonna try!!!!
also [club] is doing a dnd group and its going really well!! i made a silly little guy…
i think thats all the updates. its 4am so im going to bed. peas and love on the planet earth <333
mood: insane, tired, meowww <3
took my first t-shot yesterday. fucking insane. it made me tired for like 2 hours (though that might have also been the coffee or my 6 hours of sleep). anyway… still haven’t told my parents lmfao. one day. they will know.
have to do math today → fucking bullshit methinks x3
also got 6 hours of sleep because i talked to Z for like 2 hours. rip syxri
mood: going insane, tired
worked for (nearly) two hours on [my job], which is nice. also had sooo much class today urgh DX
however, i AM going to watch NBK and i don’t have school tommorow FUCK YEA.
another thing that is cool is HOLY SHIT TESTOSTERONE <3333 I haven’t started yet obviously but I’m calling PP tommorow (they’re supposed to have their schedules out for next month then) and hopefully I’ll be able to get set up. I’d really fucking love to get on T. at the very least though, I’m on [redacted]'s waitlist so I can switch over to them when they let me on → speaking of which… I should call them to make sure I can do what i want. idk why they would have an issue but its good to ask.
I need to talk with my insurance though, because the lady SAID she’d call me back about talking to them but I haven’t heard a word. Massively sucks. maybe I’ll do that post-shower or something. but gotta get it tommorow because i have $745 in medical bills otherwise. I’m so fucking pissed. it’s just because it was the week before my insurance changed over for the year. but that doesn’t mean I suddenly didn’t have coverage!!! urgh…. anyway no use in bitching about it right now. I can’t do anything about it at 12AM.
guess I’ll go watch NBK, think I’ve hit tonights wc. <333
today has been exhausting. i am so fucking angry. comes out in spurts. this morning i thought again about transsexuality. about the inevitable lack of social support. it terrifies me. i could only do one quiz - my brain scrambled itself up like eggs.
[redacted] also set up my rss feed. think i want to condense my shit a little bit. not sure how long it’ll last but hopefully a while. i put some good stuff on there (like my favorite video essayists + a couple tech blogs) so hopefully that'll help.
note: suicide tw
the way blood spills across tender flesh is something that will always be dear to me. maggots wriggling, writhing across the split open skull of somebody’s head wound. fatal. intraoral gunshot to the head. the way the front of the skull cracks from shockwaves sent though but does not fully rupture when the barrel is far enough placed.
one day they will have to patch up the back of my skull - plaster of paris or something similar - to make the android. it will be easy to fish out the brain this way, and brain always makes nice meals. chewy. the flesh carefully wrought from my flesh. it should peel off the bone quite easily. what’s left over can be sent to the beetles. the flesh makes a lovely feast.
they will send wires up there, recreating the brain, the organs, the nerves. the skin will be hardest - something must be able to respond to touch. and the bones need protecting anyway.
it will be warped the way i was in life, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. one step behind humanity. you can feel flesh gripping yours, and you can sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, but it is - I am - simply not there.
das spiel ist aus.
later notes: i was fucking TIRED apparently.
June the 15th, 2022 (a year it should have never been for me.)
it feels purely empty. we are living in a shell. [redacted]
it is hard to fathom that I have spent nearly twenty years in this body. it feels impossibly old — if I were a cat it would nearly be a miracle I was still alive. this brain, consciousness, feels older still — somewhere in its thirties maybe. my body always seems to lag roughly ten years behind these past few years, since I came into puberty. though of course I know this is practically heresy. this consciousness is younger still — it’s present state may be only six years or seven. in truth, I am nineteen and nearly a half in body and mind. the feeling is simply that, a feeling. nothing more. the neurons in here have never fired longer than that, the flesh that makes up the brain is twenty at most — counting the fetal development. but technicality does not stop it from attempting to communicate said feelings, a mark of the homo sapiens brain is that it is always a social animal. much to my own detriment of course, I bristle at the idea of talking to the member’s of its own species. even now I am attempting, foolheartedly, to separate myself. it is all incredibly tiring.
I read lost souls and that may be it, spiraling it’s ending through me and reminding me how fucking empty this body is. truly.
i want to be an actual person again. i don't think i’ve been in years. i have no drive to create. im always tired. i just swoop around in my interests of gaming constantly. i used to be such a person. what happened to me. i miss scourge. why am i fucking crying. i miss my stupid fucking cat. why did my mother never get his ashes. he’ll never be with me. why am i fucking crying. it feels like it wasn’t important to her. i know the adhd is real but it fucking hurts. why didn’t either of them get it.
why didn’t i ask them i was paying for a goddamn psychologist. sometimes i wish i could just kill myself. i feel okay sometimes but i think im just sleepy now. why do i do nothing. why am i no one. i should look for a therapist again. it would be expensive but i should do it. i literally do not feel like a human being anymore. maybe i never was. maybe im just an image squatting in a rotting corpse. why can i not create anymore. why is my adhd worse. maybe its just me. i wish i was on fucking testosterone. maybe i could do things if my body didn’t make me feel horrible. im so tired. other people can be people pre-t though so maybe its just me. still hurts. i can’t make up routines anymore. i have no sense of time. i feel nothing. constant apathy. i don’t feel like anything i do has meaning or purpose. obviously nothing does in the real sense but everyone seems to have actual passion and drive. i can’t even read anymore sometimes. it hurts. why can’t i fucking do anything i want to do. why do i not interact with people ever. i wish my brain would just work.
no more talking. im just going to do some physics or something.
realised this is the year closest to my birthday again. its two decades later. i’m so tired. i should write some today. i like the stream of conciousness. im making a new routine. i start writing at 10pm and i don’t stop until i hit wordcount. i don’t know why im so tired today. all i did was make myself breakfast tacos... the alarms in the house went off and scared the cats when i made bacon. maybe the sound wore me out. maybe it was simply my lack of sleep yesterday. i blame the sound partly though. it screeched and i felt so tired right after. and full. should probably go to bed early. i won’t though. i’m going to write 250 words of a character drabble. i don’t have the energy to tackle my book yet.
i want to buy a synth but i know i shouldn’t. if i can get his synth working maybe ill just bring my computer out to the garage or something and play something on monday when he goes back to work. i want to make music. i want to create. but its so hard. why am i consistently so uncreative. i want to create more but i can’t. i can’t and i don’t know why. its not the adhd or the dysphoria or whatever. i just can’t do it anymore. i used to be so creative. it might just be the heavy dissociation. i think it destroyed me. i think it fucked me over.
im so tired. im so tired. why do my family want to go get llamas tommorow. if they do that can i stay home. i will just feel sick if i try to go, i think. [redacted] im just tired. im just so much not there. sorry im not good with people or anything social i guess. i hate that i can’t get excited when they show me something. i don’t mean to be an asshole to them. i just can’t do anything else. i should probably be in therapy again but i hated therapy in the working on myself sense. i don’t /want/ to be a better person. i just want to not have to try to be normal. either leave me alone or deal with the way i am. i hated being in a relationship because even though he was autistic i still had to pretend to be normal like him. i had to pretend to have feelings. i had to pretend i cared. it was exhausting. and i was so goddamn dysphoric.
im going to cry i think. don’t want to and not going to. i hate emotions. this entry is over.
GAH college is really just. homework central lately. i'm supposed to get my accomodations soon which will (hopefully) help somewhat but still. i just feel so busy. combine that with the fact i really want to finish lotr and play wow and like... damn. like i definitely have time, i know i have time to do everything but adhd just makes me so damn wasteful with it. i haven't even done any homework today even though there's two things i know i have to finish... ugh. at least it's not super hard so far. -_-
my grandparents have brought up the idea of helping me get my drivers license. idk if its going to happen still, but that would be cool. on other news i've been learning precal super off-and-on. also finished my book last week. its an absolute plot MESS, but ah well. its done and i can write it better now. also finished persona 5 strikers yesterday. it was really good even if the ending/big reveal is basically the same as p5 (they even talk about it lmfao) except with AI. also love how much ND coding there is in the persona 5 universe - first futaba (which is semi canon), yusuke, ryuji (the most obvious adhd male ever), and now ichinose in strikers. its so fucking funny.
writing this as my boss helps me figure out some confusing code. gahh external components are the worst. we're working in typescript for forum stuff, so there isn't as much documentation. gahhh. anyway im finally enrolled in all my college classes - that was a pain in the ass. i went to an early college hs so i have my associates. this means my hours are tremendously fucked up. so had to send a lot of emails to my academic advisor to figure out 1) if i had to take the freshman req courses (apparently so), and 2) if she could manually do them bc the system saw my hours and went !!!!. also had to wait a month for my transcript to process so now i have math at 8am on mondays. wtf. at least the rest of the week i have another couple hours to sleep. now the only thing i should have to do is my short term loan in a month so that my parents can get the money from the house to pay my college. motivation to keep my grades up... also think i need to use my diagnosis to get a math accomodation. i haven't taken math in a year and i was already constantly running out of time when i did take it. ughhh. that's another thing - i gotta learn precalculus. i haven't taken the damn class in a full year and forgot half of it. so openstax it is... if i have time, ill go through the openstax calculus textbook too.
haven't written in a while even though i've been coding. hilarious. anyway i had a pretty cool day today. got like 5 fucking cds from half price because they closed the one in the city near me so some of its content went here. they were good shit too. ohgr, thrill kill kult, ministry, nine inch nails, and nirvana. also got volumes 1-3 of wicked + divine plus some vampire blood incense. hell yeah.
i find social interaction so draining. online i'm fine, but irl makes me wanna puke. i also have not hung out with my friends in months. natural born neet things i guess. i want to bring it up with my psych maybe. ugh,,, speaking of him, i haven't had the energy, time, or thoughts to do some of the things he recommended (like excercise, going outside lmfao). i feel bad but its just not part of my thoughts honestly. i should at least do the excercise part so i don't feel as much like im lying lmfao.
it's almost been a year lmfao. anyway updatez are 1, im currently hyperfixating on rick sanchez hard as fuck and 2, my programming class this semester is beating my ass. why do i have so much shit to do? oh, also got diagnosed with adhd. it was so fucking obvious it hurts. runs in my family hard too. mom only didn't get me tested because meds or something. i also haven't been in physical school which is doing wonders for me mentally. social interaction is so fucking draining. i'll do a larger waffle tommorow methinks (if i remember)
hi!!! this weekend i played stardew and modded my pants. so new bondage pants!! they're wack. also i'm literally writing this in TX govt. yeet.
i want 2 read fanfiction. also i need to turn in some late stuff!! i haven't really seen my pals today because marc had tutoring so i'm just vibing in the library. also i swear i updated this yesterday??? what is going on. i guess i forgot to save, lmao.
gone 4 a few days by accident. oops. anyway,,, i did my art competition! got 3's though which sucked major ass. i know it isn't that bad, but still. i can do better than a fucking three. also just took my texas goverment test and what the fuck is a PAC?
guess this is a thing now. huh. i went to my mentorship today and we didn't really do a whole lot because we were working on the datepicker. also my mom is broke but she keeps getting money from others, so that's nice. we finally have milk again. that's all i have to talk about.